Winding down. i have had 50% custody (more like 56%, including overnights) for 2 years since separation.

Equitable distribution master decided that she should keep all her retirement funds of an uncertain amount, maybe 30K, and i keep mine 100K. the house was appraised at 440K with 76K left on the mortgage and she had to buy me out for 75K. She makes 9.00 hour and would never be able to re-fi but her daddy paid off the mortgage. I have to shell out over 1/3 of my income each month for CS and SS.

i pay all the kids child care expenses although the stbx is supposed to fork out some but i do not have the option of garnishing her income or subtracting it from my support payments which are garnished.

the stbx claims that i need to provide the kids with all the clothing that the need when they are with me so this means that i am paying what the court decided is 76% of the kids expenses when they are with the stbx and 100% when they are with me. just barely making it before the divorce. my stbx when complaining about expenses has managed to buy herself a tummy-tuck as well as upgrade the home.

Since the stbx's daddy bought the home for her and bought her a brand new 2010 volvo suv, the stbx is able to make it work and in order to stay in my kids lives I need to live in the same area so i can be close enough to pick up/drop off to school. When i get my 75K i will pay off my debt and have enough to help me get through 2-3 years because my basic expenses exceed what i have left from my income in this area. i have had age appropriate discussions with my children about the options that we have and they were adament that they want me to continue with the schedule rather than move to a more affordable neighborhood even though it would mean a house where they could have their own bedrooms.

my stbx never hesitated with the 50% custody but i am sure that once the ss runs out she will be back into court to ask for more.

when the support and equ dist was calculated she was asked for her monthly expenses. she no longer has a monthly mortgage payment i am sure that she will say that she is paying her dad off for the paid off mortgage and if necessary, he would collaborate.

is this it? do i need to accept that she can continue to live an unchanged life throughout this while i alter my life. sometimes i think i should just pack up and leave, quit the job that i hate and take off. the stbx is loving this part time mothering arrangement, maybe if she sees that it would be damned difficult if she didnt get to live her play life she might be more open to compromise but this is too big a risk to take.

Paying 1/3rd income in support post divorce is not huge by many of us but where yours stands out is you also have 50% custody. So it begs the question, of that 1/3rd of your income, how much is CS & how much is SS?

The rest of it, have you laid out all debt & pay offs on a spreadsheet & subtotalled the assignments by each of you?

There's not a lot you can do on the gifting from dad, that she's a spoiled brat is probably his fault as much as anything. The decision you have to take is to figure out if the cost of fighting this next steps offsets your odds of winning and how much you'd likely win. I.E., spending $20k to get 25% odds on $40k wouldn't be smart, but spending $5k for a formal hearing to get 50% odds and a shot at settling a potential $100k inequity might.

Am just trying to help you take the emotion out of it & put it in balance sheet format...

I can't answer your question but I can let you know my situation.

In Oregon, 20 year marriage is considered long term for lifetime spousal support. I tried to avoid this and got 10 years.

We have 50/50 custody with NJ working 20 hours/week and attending college. We split all medical and pay our own child expenses. I have my D15 and she had S12.

S.S. is $2,500 for 4 years, then $1,000 for 2 years, then $750 for 4 years. I pay $70/month C.S.

My gross is $7,737 and hers is $1,215.

I'm overpaying up front but she is going to school and I got out of lifetime.

I'm having a hard time making it and the house is for sale so no equity to use.

about 7/12 of the 1/3 of my income is child support. the ss is going to end in mid-2011. assuming that i will be able to hold out until then, that will be the time when she will probably apply for more custody or more money.

i think that i just need to learn to live with what i have left. it suks that i need to hold onto my job--i was suppose to only be working in this field until both kids were in school when i could go back to my chosen profession and she would go back to work. but i could never do that now.

the real danger is that i am now spending between 700.00 - 1000.00 a month more than i make. this is directly related to the neighborhood. my credit card balance is growing. i will be able to pay off all of my debt with the buyout and then be able to have a bit to hold off but ultimately i need to move. when i move i will not be able to pick up/drop off my kids to school as i have been 2-3 times a week for the last two years. i am afraid that i am to have my custody stripped by this indirect means.

equ distr/support is all signed off. my lawyer was too wishy-washy and i couldnt take another 2 years or so.

i dont suppose there is any way to go into a courtroom and plead stupidity in the support agreement, showing my expenses and proving that i do not spend on myself, whereas she has no car payments for her brand new volvo suv, no mortgage on the 440K house, enough money to get herself cosmetic surgery and no desire or reason to try to get a better paying job. of course i would need to prove all this.

reading through the various tales, maybe i should just be thankful and go from eating rice and peanut butter to dumpster fare.

No, but you can always go back to court and try for modifications.

I don't know what chance you would have of being successful.

I hugely fell on my sword, and would give my left nut for 1/6 (roughly) CS and SS that ends in 2011, which if I calc right is <3 years from divorce?

I sense from what I see in your write up that stbx is spoiled rotten by rich daddy, screwed you on property settlement, but CS and shorter term SS is not the root cause of your real pain. You not only have been saddled with a level of support, but excess underlying assets were lost in a poorly represented property division case.

Sorry, wish my quicksy assessment said "CS & SS are unreasonable and you should fight" but I don't see those data points here. I see poor lawyering on the prop settlement with a CS & SS package that's not out of control.

thanks for the wisdom.

i probably need to accept that i am going to live with debt that will grow for some time.

do i accept it or do you think that i should appeal for a modification in support. i can bring in my income statements and my monthly expenses. i'm not even getting into items such as clothing for myself and kids, activities, dinners out, etc. just the basics: the rent, the utilities, and groceries exceed my income. i am shelling out for the stbx so that she has an income greater than mine and no mortgage, no car payments, no upkeep on the car --under warranty forever. she will not look for a better paying job and why should she?

do you think i stand any chance of going in before the master (or a judge) and asking for a reduction in my support amount that has been in existence for less than a year based on my income vrs expense? or will a master/judge just say that i need to move to a boarding home? i have no other means of income. it is black and white in a spreadsheet. i have not exagerrated any costs or underemphasized my income.

another question: i do intend to claim both of my daughters on my income tax for several reasons:

1- my stbx doesnt need the deduction. it will not do a thing for her, at least not this year, with the taxes and the interest on the mortgage she will get back every dollar of federal tax that she put in.
2- i am paying for what amounts to 70 some % of what the guidelines say is the cost of raising the kids at her house and 100% at mine.
3- i will have the kids with me for more than 50% of overnights.

do i need to do anything? or do i just go ahead and file and wait for the audit?

my opinion, only, but anything that leaves you in a condition of "growing debt" is bad and you seek to change that.

modification of support is one way, other is changing your standard of living, yet another is getting a second job. I dunno what if all would be appropriate in your case.

Thanks Lawrence. all good ideas and much appreciated. problematic though.
1 - i will likely not suceed with modification, my experience with the masters office has not been good, execpt in regards to custody.

2 - i have altered my lifestyle significantly and do not think i can do much more except for relocating or moving in with a friend or family but this would mean giving up on the existing custody arrangement and setting myself up to be the EOW dad or worse.

3 - second job would be hard due to my custody arrangement and my need to be oncall at all times to support my existing job. i think that i could do every other weekend though and could put in long hours on these days and nights...anyone on the board hiring for a bucks-montgomery county PA position--labor, IT, animal care...?

Thoughts?

you actually got less than 1/6 of the marital equity at equ distribution? everyone i have spoken with told me that i was robbed with 1/6 -- it can be worse?

The divorce is done, so changing custody or alimony will be difficult.

Look up the statutes in your state and see if you are overpaying child support. In almost all cases, child support should go by the guidlines, and in my state, day care figures into CS.

Do the calcs. If you are overpaying, look and see what the requirement is for a modification. In my state its either $50 per month, or 35% whichever is less.

You may be able to significantly reduce the CS, especially with your 50% custody. This all depends on how your state figures it.

If you are overpaying, I'd expect a judge to go by the guidelines especially when you bring up your financial situation.

I think Thoughts? was referring to the CS percentage.