How do I handle my D14 telling her NJ mom one thing then telling me another? I keep complete radio silence as far as the phone. However, when my D goes back to mom's, within a couple of days I get a 4 page diatribe on what "happened" at dad's over the weekend.

I know that the NJ takes things out of context to suit herself, but it really just chaps my a $$ to see the NJ's "report" based on what my D has told her.

Do I say anything to my D or just let it ride?

Why do you even care what your NJX has to say?

Kids are going to be kids. She is going to tell you things she thinks you want to hear and she will do the same to your NJ.

The difference is you don't act like a NJ when you hear things that you might not agree with, you mutter to yourself and move on. You don't call her all sorts of nasty things in front of your D and then take the time to sit down and write a 4 page letter.

I guess my big question is: Should I say anything to my daughter about what she says to her mom or just let it go?

Should I care what my daughter says to her mom about me, my wife, or my family?

I really don't care what NJ has to say, it just disappoints me that my daughter seems to say these things to her mom.

Of course, I realize that the NJ could be making these things up about what my daughter says just to put a wall up between my daughter and me.

Whether you should talk to your daughter about this depends on what your daughter is saying to her mom. If she is telling mom outrageous falsehoods (such as that you beat her and don't feed her), you should probably have a discussion with your daughter to find out why she is saying such things. But, if she is telling mom about more or less mundane matters, but spinning them in a way that 14 year old girls do, and then mom freaks out and spins them even further, I don't think that talking to your daughter is necessary.

I would think it's more along the lines of your X NJ spinning things your daughter is telling her out of porportion.

Example: "Dad took us out for ice cream."

Spun into: "All he does it feed her junk food. Clearly he doesn't care about her health and well-being. And chocolate makes her break out. She'll have scars the rest of her life! He only does this, so boys won't be interested in her. He's trying to make her zit-faced, overweight, and unattractive."

Ugh, my head hurts after that....

Just ignore her, dude.

Lobo:

You hit the nail on the head!

Mantra: ignore, ignore, ignore......

unless is it something truly heinous that's not true....don't bother with it

When my daughter comes over, how do I handle the "Well mom does this or mom does that or mom says...?"

Do I just listen and not make any comments? It's really hard not to do that.

I guess I could say "Hey, wanna go get ice cream, go to the park, etc?" Basically, ignore what daughter is saying?

Except, of course, if it's really heinous or it's something that's putting her in danger.

listen, filter out the unnecessary, and don't react to things in front of her.

if you feel it's ABSOLUTELY necessary, an email saying, "I'm hearing this, isv this true?" will usually clear it up, unless you have a completely militant ex, in which case you need more than the word of a kid who may be playing the parents off of each other for their own advantage.

14 is all about feeling like adult but still thinking like a kid, and that teenage brain is looking for any advantage because they've convinced themselves they know all and you know nothing....it passes, usually around 21 or so.....

If it's light, ignore it.

If your ex is pumping your daughter heavily, and sending you four page emails, I'd respond with a simple one paragraph caution against using the child for data gathering and how alienating and harmful that is. I'd send a copy via certified mail.

If you think your kid is really getting pumped badly enough to be harmed by the game playing, have your lawyer write the one paragraph in the form of a caution.

I am not into ignoring what the kids say but filtration must be on.
"I like doing it this way."
"This way works for me."
"I've done this for years, dear."
"I'm not mom."
"But mom doesn't live here."

Or if they're old enough: "Show me how you'd do it." [After which they'd be the VolunTold to do it from then on.] They'll learn pretty quickly that if they aren't satisfied with the quality of the way Dad does it, they can do it themselves or keep such critique to themselves.

I might take a more pragmatic approach. I'd simply ask my daughter if something was wrong or if she was unhappy about something. If she says yes, then have a real conversation about it.

If she say "no. why?" (this is the response you'll get) tell her, "I keep getting these email from your mom after you go to her house saying that things are awful for you here (at home?)...."

Then be quiet and watch.

If she denies it, ask her, "Hmmm...Strange. Why do you think your mom would say that?"

Then be quiet and watch. Let her own it...

Now you have a teaching moment. Then say, very kindly, "Sweetheart, if you're unhappy about something, we need to talk about it. The only way we can ever know if something is bothering us is by talking about it. Okay? [let her respond] then say is something bothering you?

She'll probably say "No". Then follow up with "I ever there is, we can always talk about it." Then give her a hug.

She'll get the message, and so will your ex.

I agree with these words:

The message she'll get is that you are a loving Dad who cares and wants to resolve any issues before they escalate.

I disagree with these words:

I'd be worried the message she gets from this is that you're alienating her from mom (regardless of the truth of the statement, you are putting the child in the middle with this stuff).

Trevor,

I can see you point about the part in which you disagree. I can agree with leaving off "Hmm.. Strange. Why do you think your mom would say that."

But the rest of it...not so much. I don't think it's putting her in the middle. I think it's important that Dad not "cover" for his ex and manage the relationship between the daughter and mother. That's the mother's job. He needs to not "Co" the ex or the daughter in an unhealthy relathing. By gentle compare and contrast he's creating a teachable moment. In stating that he keeps getting these emails accomplishes a couple of things. 1. The daughter knows that mom and dad communicate. 2. That dad's not an idiot (despite what mother may say). 3. He is demonstrating through his DEEDS, not empty words, that the truth matters. The lesson here, which goes beyond the issues of a divorced family, is that gossip and behind-the-back sniping are unsavory and unproductive qualities which can harm his daughter in her future life with friends, collegues, and significant others. There is a teachable moment here to SHOW his daughter that truth and honest communication are the keys to a healthy life.
4.That dad loves her and wants to make things as good and healthy as possible. 5. He's teaching her healthy values of communication, not the nasty, gossipy ones most women engage in.