Dads Divorce - Free custody and alimony advice for men and fathers.
Providing essential divorce, alimony, custody and support information and resources to men at any stage of divorce.
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 Written by Molly Murphy, Cordell & Cordell, PC
You have separated or broken up, and you are facing life without the partner who has helped you raise your child. The one thing you can both agree on is that you love your child. Hopefully you can both agree that you want what is best for your child. As you know, you both may have very different ideas on what that is. The following are some ground rules you should live by for your child’s sake:
Nothing stirs up passions more than the controversy generated when parents are at war over the custody of a child. A controversy is an issue where evidence on both sides can make a compelling case. It is never black and white, but when people have their emotions aroused, an issue can quickly turn into two polar opposites. Fear takes over reason, incomplete facts become evidence, and court calendars become jammed with repeat visits to a judge to try to bring sanity to what is unlikely to ever be sane. On top of this, social movements are promoting one side over another in their clamor for justice. Politicians are lobbied to pass laws to bring order to chaos. Gender wars are fueled and lives are destroyed.
"How am I supposed to pay that much and continue to live?!"
For most noncustodial parents the amount of child support that they are determined obligated to pay comes as a shock. In many states the amount of child support a non-custodial parent is obligated to pay can be as much twenty-five percent (25%) of their gross pay, in some cases more. Too bad we don’t get to live on our gross pay! Before a W-2 employee makes any decision about how to spend his income, the state and federal government have already taken their “fair share.” If the noncustodial parent is obligated to maintain health insurance, that gets cut out of the check next. A 401k? Are you also required to pay some of the marital debt? School loans? It’s easy to see how the paycheck of an individual faced with divorce can be whittled down pretty quickly.
“Divorce mediation?” “What’s that?”. Five years ago many people considering a divorce or having post-divorce conflicts would have responded in just that way. Now, people commonly seek out and may be mandated by the courts to participate in mediation. Likewise, finding a mediator just requires a flip through your local phone directory or a quick internet search. Steering distressed couples and families toward working out their issues in mediation versus the traditional adversarial process reflects the wisdom and experience of the courts and legislature. The collaborative process of mediation eliminates much of the financial and emotional costs of the adversarial process of a traditional divorce. Mediation, on the other hand, allows the parties to enjoy more control over the situation to the benefit of themselves, their families and their futures.
All of us who are parents, including fathers, tend to learn about parenting from watching our own parents. If you were fortunate enough to grow up in a home where parents were calm, cool and collected in every situation, then you may not need a lot of help with expressing anger appropriately. But if you belonged to one of those families with a lot of yelling and spanking, you might find it a little difficult to keep your emotions under control. So here are some recommendations about how to keep angry feelings within appropriate boundaries, and still have an effect on the behavior of your children.
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