Submitted by DadsDivorce.com reader Tim from Chicago

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Note: This is Part 2 of a two-part series on the real-life experience of a divorced dad’s struggles to be with his children. Part 1 explained the beginning of a spiral of legal events and set the stage for the eventual loss of his children. Click here to read.

Anxiety, anticipation, and a bit of fear filled me as I waited to see my kids for the first time in 18 months even if it was a meeting in a doctor’s office.  I had no idea what their reactions would be.  Nineteen months and fourteen days after last hugging them goodbye after dinner, I met with them in the doctor’s office.

The eldest wore sunglasses with the younger one on her lap hiding behind a piece of paper.  They took turns questioning me on things from the past and the fights their mother and I had when they were little.  I apologized for all they’d had been through and promised situations like that would not happen in the future.  Before I knew it, the meeting was over and once again I was separated from my children. 

Court went on.  My ex, who was her own counsel, cross-examined me later that spring.  She brought up arguments we’d had as far back as 1999 and tried, to no avail, to prove that these arguments endangered the girls.  She had no witnesses to call on this account since it wasn’t true.  Later that summer, the judge ruled that it was necessary for me to begin at the very least having dinners with my children. 

As the day approached for this ruling to go into effect, I learned my ex was filing claims that the judge was biased and should be removed from the case.  Needless to say, everything came to a halt as the legal system did its “duty” and investigated.  Seven weeks later a second judge ruled that the original judge was unbiased and could remain on the case.  Another stall tactic had taken more time away from contact with my children.

Visitation was finally enforced and I was to take the girls to dinner.  I was told to go to my ex’s house and pick up the girls.  If they did not come out, which their mother was to encourage them to do, I was to call the police to write a report that visitation was not being allowed.  Just before the meeting my ex filed a restraining order against me, which was denied by the court the following day.

When I arrived to pick up the girls that fall, they would not come to the door.  In the background I could see my aunt and cousin videotaping everything.  I had to call the police, who came and entered the house alone to persuade the children to come with me, unsuccessfully.  A report was written and I was left to try again another day.   The second attempt went the same.  Nothing more could be done at this point.

More time passed with menial court meetings and no real movement.  In a subsequent court appearance my ex was asked to show the videotapes from my two attempted visits, which she claimed showed me yelling and screaming at the girls.  She objected but was overruled and the tapes were shown.  Of course, it showed none of her claims. 

At the end of the day the judge stood up and told my ex she “ought to be ashamed” of herself.  He said the “video tape was appalling to watch” and her job as a mother was to let the girls know they were safe with me and could go to dinner with their own father.  Yet months continued without any contact.  Months later my youngest was in a school performance and my wife and I attended to show our support.   I later sent a card telling her how wonderful she’d done.

Closing remarks were made shortly thereafter.  The judge denied my ex’s attempt to retain no visitation between the girls and I.  Although the judge said I was able to continue my visitation, my attorney and I knew the girls were so programmed by now that no visitation would take place unless it was enforced by the court, which it was not.  And so, doing the best I could, I set up dinner with the girls for a future date only to learn that my ex filed an appeal on the case, putting everything on hold.

Summer arrived, as did my youngest daughter’s middle-school graduation.  When it was over, I approached their mother with a shawl belonging to my daughter.  The girls were 10 feet away and crying, so I did not approach them not wanting to make anything harder on them.  I just hoped that seeing us there would be a statement to them.  It was not until that winter that a court date was secured to fight for mandatory visitation. 

Immediately before that date, my ex filed papers asking the Illinois Supreme Court to take over the case.  This once again postponed things another two months while the court viewed the case and eventually refused.  A new date was set for January of the following year, yet that too was canceled as my ex was ill the day of court, something my wife and I could by now predict. 

Finally, at the end of January a court date took place and dinner with my children was ruled mandatory.  The judge expressed disappointment in my ex for not encouraging the girls to see me and told her she would be held in contempt if a meeting did not take place immediately.  Dinner dates were set for February, though the first couple were also to be attended by my ex. 

At the first dinner they refused to talk, would not order dessert, and barely accepted the half hugs I tried to give them as they left. The second went even worse as they refused to even sit at the table with me and my ex refused to force them.  My attorney filed a motion with the court stating that the girls would not have dinner with me, and visitation was not being enforced by their mother. However, the judge ruled it was not an emergency situation.

By the spring, my ex’s phone had been turned off, cutting another method of communication between the girls and I. Later she filed a motion that I be held responsible for all counseling fees, which the judge approved. By this point, my money was gone, my energy sapped, my wife, whose support had been endless, was getting stomach cramps from the situation, and there was no reconciliation in sight. 

By the summer, three years after this all began, I was left with the hardest decision a father can make: continue to fight for my children, or let them go and hope that one day they return on their own.  My heart broke as I chose the latter, and to this day it breaks every time I think of them, every time I send them a card or graduation gift and hear nothing.

A few months ago, I attended my youngest daughter’s high school graduation. Their mother had always said she would not keep me from important events in their lives. I brought my parents and waited outside the gate, only to see my ex pass by with friends, never acknowledging the text I’d sent telling her where I was waiting. 

Through great effort, my parents and I scrounged and begged three extra tickets and were there to see my daughter walk the stage. After that we left, not wanting to cause a scene and embarrass her on such an important day. I continue to live my life with the heaviness of loss and disappointment that only a father who loses his children could know.

Note: This is Part 2 of a two-part series on the real-life experience of a divorced dad’s struggles to be with his children. Part 1 explained the beginning of a spiral of legal events and set the stage for the eventual loss of his children. Click here to read.